My ride home yesterday was deliteful, in spite of being ill!! The sun was spectacular and I had moments of coolness!! It’s amazing that before my long Journey, I hated to ride in the heat. Now, it matters not at all!! As long as I’m on my bike, no matter what the weather, I am at peace.
Peace is a funny thing. Today, I woke from a nightmare. I was in a rehab situation. There were many people standing around loading the trucks with drinks and food for the big party planned!! As usual, I was busy helping. Suddenly I stopped and looked around at all the people and I felt such a sense of sadness and loneliness overcome me. Tears came to my eyes as I saw groups of people helping each other, laughing and carrying on. Although I was helping, I stood alone.
Tears streamed down my face, that I quickly brushed away. Funny thing about dreams, the people who I shared the weekend with, were in the dream. The head director looked up to grab the next box of drinks from me and saw my tears.
“What’s up Girl?” he questioned. I silently looked at him, pleading with my eyes, “Do not push this, here, with all these people.”
Then I woke up.
The sense of sadness and loneliness was so heavy, I thought I would drown from it all.
When I was with my daughter, I had the opportunity to take care of her. I cooked for her and washed her laundry. At one point while I was carrying the laundry basket, I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace.
I remember how much taking care of someone filled me with satisfaction. Even after she left home, I felt no real sense of loss because I had my husband to take care of. I was mostly excited for her and her new Journey!!
Is it possible to feel the Empty Nest 5 years later?? Tears steam down my face as I write this.
I arrived home to my happy little dog, GiGi. The house was looming, lonely and empty.
All week that I was sick at my daughters, I knew I had to be home by Friday for court. My divorce was to be finalized at trial on the 29th. Funny thing is, Friday was not the 29th!! HA HA God has such a sense of humor!! Thing is, I am not laughing today.
So this morning, feeling sad, lost and alone, I wonder, am I divorced? I open the safe where my wedding ring lies. My breath catches in my throat and I quickly return it to the safe and shut the door. Self abuse is not a good idea. Dear God, help me not feel defined by my marriage. I am more then just a wife.
What I do know; these feelings will pass. If I get busy and keep putting one foot in front of the other and get out of self. If I find someone to help today. If I keep the focus off my feelings and me and see what I can do to make someone’s day brighter.
But damn, there are days, like today, when I would like to crawl into a lap and just lay my head on a shoulder and cry. But tears will not fix things. God has a plan. I have to remember that.
Why did I miss that court date? So not like me… Maybe the new court date has someone there that I need to help. I have to remember that the world does not revolve around me. That sometimes plans change so I can be of service to someone else who is hurting.
I will keep my eyes open to the miracles of life. I will remember that my life changed because others were brave enough, kind enough to reach out to me and move my tectonic plates.
Today, in spite of my tears and my feelings, I will find people that I can touch. I will look for the relief that thinking of others will bring my hurting heart.
Today, I may cry and laugh at the same time, knowing that, “This too shall pass”!!