Sometimes life changes so radically that the very breath is sucked from your lungs. He stood in the garage and I could feel he was upset, his fists were clenched and his blond gray hair was messy. “Where has my sweet husband gone,” I wonder. I look at his face and I want to reach out and cup his cheek in my hand and smile at him. He’s like a boxer in the ring, his movements jerky and continuous. He makes sure he is at least 10 feet away from me.
“I don’t want to work this out with you,” he says with pain etched on his face. My heart sinks as I watch his blue eyes fill with tears. “Was I a bad wife to you?” I manage to croak out. “No, you were the best wife,” he cries. “Then why?” I whisper. “I just don’t want to,” he says.
A breaking heart is the worst pain I think. My dreams came crashing down to lay like broken shards of glass at my feet. I loved being a wife. I did not think I would survive the heart ache of it all.
I spent months crying, curled sometimes in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. I would rail at God, “I know You could have fixed things. Why didn’t You??” I would sit in my car, parked in the driveway of the house, looking at the garage door, thinking, “I can’t go in that empty house one more day. I just can’t do this God. It’s too hard.” Tears would stream down my face as I laid my head on the steering wheel.
My phone would ring, one of those women I get to mentor would be calling. For a brief moment, while I was helping them, I would forget my pain. It was in those moments that I knew God carried me in His palm.
God has a different plan for me. I’ve come to learn, that it’s usually best when I do things His way. Even if they go completely against what I want. The surrender is the painful part. Sometimes I can surrender with dignity and grace and sometimes I surrender kicking and screaming.
Still not sure what the plan is, although it seems to be unfolding without me doing much. I often feel, that I am on a rocket ship and it’s best if I just stay seated and keep my seat belt on!!
I thought my life was over…. Funny, it’s just begun!!!!
Looking into the face of God!!
it’s just eerie how much this resembles my life! only… why twice in a lifetime? i don’t see the purpose…yet, of loosing everything and starting over several times. unless it’s just proof that i am capable! the crying is easing up, but the coming home to an empty house and taking a meal alone is still hard. love reading you linda. keep them coming it helps! love heidi
Unfortanately, I know the feeling and you dont know it at the time of feeling your life is over and why this is happening ….until you start to heal that God hhas a plan for your new beginning or should I say a new chapter! Thanks for sharing. 🙂 Its nice to know that you are not the only one going through journeys of life!! IT TOOK AWHILE FOR ME TO REALIZE I was not alone! With Good all things are possible. 🙂
Wow, Simply Wow !