You could still feel the tension, thick in the house. A black cloud of sickness hung heavy in each room. The metallic smell of death was in the air. We lived in that house, each of us, our souls dying.
The last few weeks, after my surrender were pure hell. Funny thing was, I felt totally at peace, deep down inside. I had surrendered. I had made a pact with God. I stopped rebuilding the House of Cards.
A few weeks earlier, my youngest daughter, attempted to take her own life. God knows what kind of hell a little 10 year old must be going through, when her only solution was suicide. I knew then that something must change. I wasn’t really sure what to do, although I didn’t think she was going to survive my life. She just wasn’t as strong as I was.
I tried to speak to my husband about her suicide attempt. He was incapable of discussing it. He took the canoe out of the garage and placed it on his red pick up truck. “When I return, I want my wife back,” he growled. My heart sank as I watched him back out of the driveway.
I called a locksmith and the locks were changed a few hours later. I was desperate and I was running out of options. He kicked the door down when he returned that night. My daughter and I sat huddled together and you could smell the terror pouring from us.
My two step children had left a few months before. They always went to visit their mom in the summer, although this time, they did not return. My 15 year old stepson was breaking the law and getting into major trouble and my 17 year old stepdaughter was pregnant with twins. A part of me was glad that they had made it out safely, although I could see the damage had already scared them.
My husband carved up his arms and wrote me a letter in his blood. He wanted his wife back. The wife who did not stand up for herself. The wife who did as she was told and made no waves. The one who allowed him to not work and contribute to the household. The one who was lost and broken.
She didn’t exist anymore. I’m not even sure where she went. The transformation was sudden and I had been given a strength to make changes that I was unable to even see before. My surrender was proceeded by finding myself on my knees, praying to God. Knowing He had no time for the likes of me. Believing that He may be real, although I had done so many bad things, He could never love me. “God, I don’t know if Your real and I don’t know if Your out there, but I’m gonna step off the cliff and I’m hoping You will catch me.” Right then, I stopped, surrendered and stepped out into the unknown. I’ve never looked back, my life has never been the same.
When the police came, I knew to tell the truth. “He has a AK47 in the room with him,” I whispered. They told me that if I could not get him to come out, they would evacuate the street and bring out the swat team. The bomb squad had already arrived and the street in front of my house, was full of police cars.
I wondered, what did God have against me to create so much drama. I knew I had made a few mistakes, although I never screwed up this badly. I regretted enlisting His help now!! He had made a complete mess of things… or so I thought.
I could spend the rest of my life, giving back to God and I know I will never be able to repay even a fraction of the gifts He has given me!! I thought my life was over, 13 years ago today, little did I know, it had just begun!!