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  1. Letting Your Children Live Their Lives

    August 29, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    He gets out soon. It makes me feel anxious and unsettled.  He does so much better confined, always has.  I remember his sweet face as a baby. He was breathtakingly beautiful!! Everyone always said he should be the Gerber baby!! They often commented on his old soul and how bright he was.

    Life was a challenge for him early on. I was not able to be a good parent to him. I loved him a lot, although structure and stability were not on my agenda. I know I damaged him from all that. Going to the next party was always so much more important. I use to be proud that he could sleep through a live band, now it fills me with shame.

    The violence that boy witnessed marked him for life. You would think, a small baby or toddler would not be affected and certainly they don’t remember. I’ve come to learn that although they may not remember, their souls do. He was never in a safe environment, not until he went to his first juvenile lock up.

    I called him Peaches. He had the most beautiful skin I’ve ever seen on a boy. It would tan caramel brown in the summer and his little tow head would bleach out more and more. He was always a charmer. He could charm a snake out of a basket, I’m sure!!

    I remember one time we were riding in the car, listening to the radio. He was about 6 years old. “Mom, are you in love with me?” he asked in his little boy voice. My heart smiled, “Of course, I love you!! I will always love you!!” “I know you love me, but are you IN love with me?” he questioned. “Well, what’s the difference, Son?” I laughingly asked. He’s 6, what does he know of this question he asks? “You can be IN love with Daddy, if he was still with us. You can NOT be IN love with me, I am your son. So, would you mind changing the radio station to something besides love songs??”

    The very breath was pulled from my lungs. I slowly reached out and turned off the radio and thought to myself, “I’m going to be in trouble with this one.”

    He has chosen a very difficult path for himself. By the time he was 15, he was already being locked up. The last time he lived with me, he was 16. When he hit the streets, I thought I would die from the pain I felt. I worried about him constantly and wondered how he was doing. Letting him go was so painful, although necessary. I always felt more comfortable when he was locked up. Like I said, he did well confined. I would be able to have a relationship with him. He could be kind and loving back. His eyes would be clear and his smile would be bright.

    One night, the police brought him to my door. He was bloody from the beating he received from his “friends” at a party. His shoes were gone and he was drunk. He stood there in handcuffs, crying. “Mam, is this your boy?” the officer asked. My heart was beating hard and I fought back the tears, “Yes, it is.”  “He says, he is homeless,” the officer questioned. “Yes, he is,” I manage to croak out. “Well, can’t he stay here tonight?” he growls.

    I am faced with a choice. By this time, my son has been homeless for over 2 years. He’s only 18 and still my baby.  “No, you can run his name.  He has a warrant for his arrest.  He will have a place to sleep tonight,” comes tumbling out of my mouth. I turn and walk into the house, tears streaming down my face, my heart shattered once again. I know he’s where he is, due to a large part, on how I raised him. I also know, I can’t change him nor can I fix him. I curl up on the floor and sob.

    He spent 5 1/2 more years on the streets, getting worse. Every time he went to jail I would think, “This time, he will stop. This will be his bottom.” It never was.

    He’s 29 now and no longer a baby. In 2010, he went to jail 15 times. I would think, they will keep him this time, although they always released him within 36 hours. His mind is not right anymore. He hears voices and thinks people are out to get him. My heart breaks for him.

    One day he called and he had been arrested twice in a 24 hour period. I didn’t think I could survive anymore heartache with him after that.

    He’s spent almost a year, confined. I’ve been able to have dinner with him often and see that old smile that charms so many ladies. One day, he even told me he was proud of me for my Journey to Change.  Dug $10.00 from his pocket to contribute to my charity!!  Brought me to tears that one!! They have him medicated and he says the voices are quiet for now.

    He gets out on Sunday. Already, his behavior is regressing. My heart hurts from watching him turn back to his old thoughts and patterns. I can visualize the door closing inside me again. Stepping away from the pain I know I will feel when, one more time, I have to put him on the outside, due to his behavior.

    I know God has a plan. I just wish, sometimes, I did not have to be part of it. That boy has been my biggest challenge in life. He has also taught me the most. His trials made me a better parent for my daughter. His choices taught me that I MUST let others walk their path, in spite of what I want for them.

    I remember a vision I got once, it helped me so much. He was about 15 1/2 then.  I watched him breaking his radio because I would not let him go to some party. I remembered him learning to walk, he would fall and sometimes skin his knee.  I would not run over and pick up him, every time he fell. He would never learn to walk if I did. I had to trust, he would push himself up, brush himself off and carry on!! He always did.

    So it is that vision that I hold close to my heart, trusting, God has a plan and my job is to focus on how my experiences can benefit others. I have been able to help many parents, let their children choose their own path, in spite of what a parent may want. It eases my pain greatly.

    My beautiful kids!!


  2. My First Radio Appearance Chattin in Manhattan

    August 28, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    ALRIGHT!!  Got some attention now!!  Chattin in Manhattan, a blog radio show, has asked me to join them on August 30, 2011 to share about Journey to Change!!

    Join us!!

    August 30, 2011  Tuesday!!

    Click on the link below to hear how I took a Journey to Change and overcame the last of my fear!!

    10 pm Eastern

    9 pm Central

    8 pm Mountain

    7 pm Pacific


  3. She’s Coming Home!!

    August 27, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    OMG OMG OMG

    My mechanic is coming to get me in 20 min to take me to my Dragon Slayer!!

    Santa Barbara here I come!!

    Who wants to ride??

    I will chase the moonbeams this eve!!

    No way I’m getting off her before midnite!!

    Posted by Linda Patterson on the run!!


  4. Dance in the Rain

    August 26, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    It’s 100 and humid in California!! Reminds me of my Journey to Change ride!! Hope the rain comes… The best times riding were in the rain!!

    If you have someone special, don’t forget sweet wet rain kisses!!

    I NEED my Dragon Slayer!! sigh… It’s gonna be a long long weekend…

    There is NO way I’m doing chores…Those darn termites can eat all of the fence!! And who needs lights anyways?? The leaking faucet…  Well…  That’s what the shut off valve is for!!  LOL LOL LOL

    Maybe I can float popsicle sticks in the gutter instead… at the very least, I can DANCE in the rain!!

    I guess I can also do my old standby…  Bicycles at the beach… It’s still two wheels without the vibrations!!  My GiGi will love it!!

    She looks like Chewbacca from Star Wars!!

     


  5. Radio Show in Milwaukee

    August 25, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    EXCITING NEWS!!!! My Journey caught the attention of a radio station in Milwaukee!! They will be interviewing me next week August 30, 2011!! More information to follow!! You can listen from the internet!!


  6. Clearing my Head

    August 25, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    Yesterday went from a bad day to a worse day…

    I woke up feeling off.  I knew why but I choose to ignore it all.  One year ago, yesterday, my life changed completely.  Sides were chosen by some, others rallied around and supported me through it all.  It wasn’t a change I wanted, although, one year down the road, it was a change I needed.

    The one thing that was consistent support, my Dragon Slayer.  She rode me from my darkest days.  I would throw a leg over when tears streamed down my face, the wind would blow them dry.  When I thought my heart would never heal, her vibrations would hum through my body and I would feel better for those hours I rode long into the day.

    Some nights, I would ride and the moon would call me.  In California, it is against the law to ride without a helmet.  I would sneak down a long, dark street and take my helmet off.  I would open her up and race down the street.  Pure Joy!!

    I wish I had my Dragon Slayer today…  It’s hard that she’s still broken.  I miss her vibrations and I miss her swiftness.  I have always loved to ride and after my Journey, my heart belongs on my Dragon Slayer.

    Today my heart is heavy and sad.  It was those days, that my Dragon Slayer was the best therapy!! I hear the roar of other’s pipes and my heart sings out.  I have to stop what I’m doing and just watch those beauties go by.

    I need to find someone who would be willing to allow me to join them on the back of their bike….  Another LONG weekend without my Dragon Slayer and my heart will surely dry up and turn to dust!!

    Enjoy the day!!  Today I will put quarters in all the expired meters!!

    Happy Day!!

     

     


  7. Dawning of a Beautiful Day

    August 23, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    I woke up this morning and went to sit on my porch in the dark.  I actually THOUGHT about putting on a jacket!!  HA HA  I like to sit there and watch the sun come  up.

    It’s funny, just before the sun rises, the temperature drops significantly.  I wonder why?  Then everything turns this soft pink color.  It feels like all the good things from my childhood!!

    The colors today are brighter and sweeter!! I know that’s because my heart is happy!! Today I will LIVE LIFE OUT LOUD and I will do kind things for others!!

    When my focus is on others, God sneaks in and fixes what’s wrong with my life!! Happens EVERY time!!


  8. Birthday Balloons

    August 22, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    I love two things on birthdays… Balloons and blowing out candles!!

    God delivers gifts to those who wait, we must open our eyes and our hearts to them!!

    The balloons came!! Just from a different road!!

    I love all the emails and comments I continue to get from everyone sharing how Journey to Change touched their hearts!! Keep them coming!!

    Posted by Linda Patterson on the run!!


  9. Knight on Shining Armor

    August 21, 2011 by Linda Lee Patterson

    Looking for my Dragon Slayer??

    I’m am missing my Dragon Slayer this beautiful day!! I wish a Knight on Shining Armor would come and give me a ride!! Alas, that has not happened so…

    Let’s see, the sprinklers need to be fixed, the fence has termites, four outside lights need to be replaced, AND the faucet leaks…

    Well, I guess God has spoken!! HA HA HA